This weeks Motherhood and Me (M.a.M) Diaries features Mum blogger Jordan and her experience of learning to love her first son after a difficult birth, realising there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for getting involved Jordan x
There’s always light at the end of that tunnel…..
So I sat there and stared at that tiny screen where I first saw you, you can’t of even been bigger than a baked bean😊 whizzing flipping around. I knew then in my heart I’d do anything for you. I’d always protect you.
Fast forward 9 months later, one incredibly difficult labour, my 8lb baby, 6 days overdue, a rare and complicated brow presentation (typically my baby, this has a one in 500 birth chance!) ending in an emergency section and mumma passed out for an entire week, on drips and transfusions, too weak and tired to look after you.
When I finally came around, those feelings weren’t there. Where did they go? Why was I so detached? Was it normal?? Was he even mine?! The midwives didn’t really care. Or notice. It was just too busy. A week later we were rushed off home, just the three of us.
Midwives and health visitors came and went. I’d of rather left you with nanny. Or grandad. Or anyone who’d have you. It was a lonely, dark, upsetting time in my head and no one really understood. And who was I supposed to talk to? I didn’t want to be here. They’d think I was crazy. An awful mum. They’d take him away if they knew.
I found the courage one day to call my health visitor- and explained what was going on in my head. Worried sick she’d have him off me the whole time. Instead she was the most caring person I’d ever met. Who always had time to listen. Who encouraged me to go to the doctor and start treatment. A slow and steady process and I finally start to feel myself again, but 4 years later we fell pregnant with baby 2. There was me worried sick, given access to the mental health Mum and baby unit if I needed it this time.
His section was planned, slow, everything was explained as it went without a hiccup, perfect in every way. We had a few scares along the way but he was 6lb of pure perfection. And I’d never looked at anything and felt such love before, to the point he became “mine” and no one else could have him- I breastfed, Co slept, you name it we did it. I found my first proper full time job and were now quite a happy little family of 4. My feelings for baby 1 grew slowly, I had to learn to love him, but he knows no different and I’m still his favourite!!
I just wanted to write to show other mums who may have felt like me there is a light at the end of that tunnel- albeit a long one, but with the right people, the support groups, you’ll be amazing. Always make time for you. Even if that’s just one 20 minute longer bath a week. One night you blow dry your hair rather than leave it. One morning you take just a bit longer on your hair and makeup. You deserve it. Being a mummy is hard work, and no one tells you how hard it is! No text book or YouTube video could prepare you for mummyhood. But it’s definitely the only hood I wanna be in!
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